MarySue and Plotless Authors Anonymous
by Evil Minds Think Alike
Summary: We have a mission. Know what that mission is? Well, obviously not, because we haven't told you yet! Anyway, our missions is to poke fun- I mean- help and provide support for those authors who are struggling...


Mary-Sue and Plotless Authors Anonymous

**By Treanz Alyce and Seadragon**

**Chapter 1**

**Treanz Alyce**: Hello and-

**Seadragon**: **_shoves Treanz Alyce off the stage_** Welcome to-

**Treanz Alyce**: **_kicks Seadragon in the shin_** Mary-Sue and Plot-

**Seadragon**: **_pulls Treanz's hair_** -less Story Authors-

**Treanz Alyce**: **_punches Seadragon in the stomach_** Anonymous hosted by-

**Seadragon**: **_bites Treanz_** Us.

**Treanz Alyce**: Hey! Look! It's Neal! And he has… Frogs!

**Seadragon**: Where?! Where?! **_runs off_**

**Treanz Alyce**: **_snickers_** While my co-host is off chasing after her beloved frogs, and Neal too I guess, I get to tell you all about our wonderful show. **_sigh_** That girl is so gullible.

**Bob**: Umm… Treanz? **_terrified_**

**Treanz Alyce**: What?! Can you not see I am incredible busy?!

**Bob**: Uh, nothing, nothing…

**Treanz Alyce**: Good! Now, as I was saying-

**Seadragon**: **_puts a bucket over Treanz's head_**

**Treanz Alyce**: Hey! Who turned the lights off?!

**Seadragon**: Our show is to help those poor authors who can't help but write Mary-Sues and/or Plotless Stories. Sadly, these two usually go hand in hand. It is our job to help these poor authors recover from the trauma this inflicts upon their eternal souls… Aww hell, who am I kidding?!

**Neal**: No one?

**Seadragon**: I don't need your help! They know that! **_eyes widen_** Neal?!

**Neal**: Oh shit. **_runs_**

**Seadragon**: **_chases_** Come back my precious!

**Treanz Alyce**: Hmm. That was… Interesting. Well, what my wonderful, if easily distracted, co-host was trying to say was, well, she was lying. We are here to-

**Seadragon**: Inflict deadly harm.

**Treanz Alyce**: Shut up, you're scaring them! **_suspicious look_** And what happened to Neal?

**Seadragon**: Why must _everyon_e blame _everything_ on me?!

**Treanz Alyce**: Because it's always your fault?

**Seadragon**: **_thinks_** True. But, this time, I didn't do anything!

**Treanz Alyce**: Sure you didn't.

**Seadragon**: No! Really! I didn't! See, I was chasing Neal, right?

**Treanz Alyce**: Right.

**Seadragon**: And he was running, right?

**Treanz Alyce**: This could take a while…

**Seadragon**: So he trips, right?

**Treanz Alyce**: **_sigh_**

_many hours later_

**Seadragon**: And the evil piranhas came and bit his legs off!

**Treanz Alyce**: Which is why he is currently tied to a post right next to you, with both of his legs still attached, right?

**Seadragon**: **_frantic nod_**

**Treanz Alyce**: I always get stuck with the loonies, don't I?

**Neal**: Hello-o?! What about me? Seadragon just won't leave me alone! **_tear_**

**Treanz Alyce**: Shush, I'm wallowing in self-pity!

**Seadragon**: **_mutters_** _You_ get stuck with the loonies?

**Bob**: The camera is still rolling!

**Seadragon**: Point being?

**Bob**: **_sigh_** I just _had_ to become a stagehand. Why didn't I listen to my mother and get a nice, easy, relaxing job? Like being on the bomb squad, or a lion tamer…

**Treanz Alyce**: I think he is trying to say… GET ON WITH IT!

**Seadragon**: Dude, no need to spaz!

**Neal**: Is there any point to my being here?

**Treanz Alyce**: Yes, so she won't kill _me_.

**Neal**: She's going to kill me?!

**Seadragon**: Oh no, I have much better plans for _you_.

**Treanz Alyce**: **_stage whisper_** Psst! Neal! Now would be the time to be scared for your life and/or sanity.

**Neal**: Gee, you're so helpful.

**Treanz Alyce**: And _you're_ so sweet!

**Seadragon**: Sarcasm Treanz, sarcasm. Is it _that_ hard for you?!

**Treanz Alyce**: Y'know, you would think I could pick up on sarcasm really quickly, after spending so much time with you.

**Seadragon**: You would, wouldn't you?

**Treanz Alyce**: But sadly, that is not the case. I have come to expect everything that comes out of _your_ mouth to be sarcasm, and I pray to all the gods that what everyone else says isn't. So really, you've just really messed up my whole inner sarcasm detector.

**Seadragon**: Whatever you say Treanz, whatever you say…

**Treanz Alyce**: **_sigh_** Where were we?

**Seadragon**: No idea.

**Treanz Alyce**: And that would be thanks to your _slight_ overdose on caffeine, right?

**Seadragon**: Of course- Hey!

**Treanz Alyce**: What?

**Seadragon**: Good question…

**Neal**: You people scare me.

**Seadragon**: As we should. Now, Neal, do you have any complaints about Mary-Sues and/or Plotless Stories?

**Treanz Alyce**: That isn't in the schedule!

**Seadragon**: Just a time filler, no worries! Besides, what _are_ we supposed to be doing right now anyway?

**Treanz Alyce**: Er…

**Seadragon**: Thought so. Well, Neal?

**Neal**: Uh… Well, I don't like it when they make me fall in love with Mary-Sues?

**Treanz Alyce**: Was that a question or an answer?

**Neal**: Both?

**Treanz Alyce**: Same question.

**Seadragon**: Stop it.

**Neal**: I don't like it when they… Umm… Er… Uh…

**Seadragon**: Very articulate, this one.

**Treanz Alyce**: **_snicker_**

**Neal**: Well now that you mention it, I can't stand it when those thoughtless authors make me fall in love with someone for no reason, then spend the rest of the story on pointless fluff and then end the story on an equally sappy note. For example-

**Treanz Alyce**: **_whines_** _You_ started him, now make him stop!

**Seadragon**: **_nodding along with Neal_** I understand completely. For example, I just read a story about you and _Joren_ of all people! I mean, what kind of sick minds do these people have? I appreciate slash as much as the next person, but, _come on_! If you are going to pair Joren with someone incredibly unlikely, Kel is right there!

**Neal**: Kel?! You want to pair Joren with _Kel_?!

**Seadragon**: **_ignores Neal completely_** Don't even get me started on Thom/Roger! It is so obvious that it is Alex/Roger. They are clearly going to follow through with that good old Conte tradition of sleeping with your squire! But, of course, the best slash pairing in all of Tortall is Gary and Raoul! **_beams expectantly_**

**Treanz Alyce**: **_blinks_**

**Neal**: **_faints_**

**Treanz Alyce**: Oh, well done, _well done_! You made the poor guy faint!

**Seadragon**: Poor guy? Ha, he's just lucky I didn't get into about how Yuki should be crushed by a pile of bricks!

**Treanz Alyce**: **_rolls eyes_**

**Seadragon**: **_coughs_** Do you realize we haven't even gotten to the point of this entire thing yet?

**Treanz Alyce**: There's a point?

**Seadragon**: I think so. Otherwise this is just us randomly talking/arguing, and that would not really be that interesting for all our readers.

**Treanz Alyce**: I wasn't aware that we had any readers…

**Seadragon**: Well we don't yet… But soon! I hope. Anyway, the point of this story is to provide support for those poor people who can't write to save their lives. **_sigh_** We are going to get so many flames for this.

**Treanz Alyce**: I think Neal's waking up.

**Seadragon**: Really?! Yay! **_coughs again_** I mean… Uh… Aw screw it. Neal! **_hugs_**

**Neal**: Umm, a little help here? Please?!

**Treanz Alyce**: **_cackles_** While Seadragon strangles Neal, I suppose I better tell you about this, um, show? Hey, Seadragon, is this a show?

**Seadragon**: And we'll have a big scary castle on a Widow's Peak, with a moat filled with alligators and sharks so that when no one falls in, we can watch the alligators and the sharks duke it out, and it'll have towers, and dungeons, and a fire breathing dragon!

**Treanz Alyce**: I don't think she's going to answer me any time soon, so let's just call it a show. Anyway, the point of this show (just go with me people), is to provide support for those poor people who can't write to save their lives. So just write in and give us the name of authors and stories and Mary-Sues that you think fit this description. I know Mary-Sues can't write, so just give us the names and descriptions of some Mary-Sues from the stories of the authors that can't write…

**Seadragon**: **_still hugging Neal_** Otherwise this show will never be any longer than this one chapter! And we really don't want that!

**Neal**: Psst! Treanz Alyce!

**Treanz Alyce**: Yes?

**Neal**: Why does she have green hair?

**Treanz Alyce**: She likes it like that.

**Neal**: And why is it so short and standing on end?

**Treanz Alyce**: Haven't you ever heard of hair gel? You guys really are barbarians!

**Neal**: But she's a girl!

**Treanz Alyce**: And?

**Seadragon**: **_sing song voice_** I can hear you!

**Treanz Alyce**: **_rolls eyes_** Of course you can! We're right here, and aren't exactly whispering. Besides, its not like you really care.

**Seadragon**: True. Hey, did I tell you what I did to that girl who decided it would be fun to write on me with hot pink marker?

**Treanz Alyce**: Let's put it this way, do I want to know?

**Seadragon**: Probably not.

**Treanz Alyce**: Are you going to tell me anyway?

**Seadragon**: Yup. But let me get more comfortable first. **_snaps_**

_BLACK LEATHER COUCH appears on the STAGE, NEAL is now sitting on it.****_

**Treanz Alyce**: **_sits on couch_**

**Seadragon**: **_sits on Neal_**

**Neal**: Hey! I'm not a chair you know!

**Seadragon**: Point being?****

**Treanz Alyce**: Hey, lovebirds, can we get back to the show now?

**Seadragon**: **_ignores her_** So, Neal, should we name the dragon Sparky or Killer?

**Neal**: **_puts head in hands_** Why me?!

**Treanz Alyce**: Do you want the real reason, or the fake, total false reason?

**Neal**: **_sarcastically_** Gee, that's tough…

**Treanz Alyce**: So, which one?

**Neal**: Give me a minute!

**Treanz Alyce**: **_rolls eyes_** I thought it was easy!

**Seadragon**: For Neal, nothing's easy.

**Treanz Alyce**: That's sadly true.

**Neal**: Just tell me both damn it! I can't decide! This is exactly why I left the University, everyone expected me to have an opinion, I mean, what were they thinking?!

**Treanz Alyce**: **_stares_**

**Seadragon**: Poor Neal! **_hugs_**

**Neal**: **_sobs_**

**Treanz Alyce**: Right… Okay, the false reason first I guess. Well, Neal, the reason its you, is because you are a bad boy who deserves punishment, and we are here to deliver. Do you remember when you pushed Dom off the shed? I do. That was a bad thing to do! And now you're paying for it! **_cackles_**

**Neal**: Umm, that wasn't me.

**Treanz Alyce**: So?

**Seadragon**: You know what would really make this better?

**Neal**: **_stares_**

**Treanz Alyce**: Just ignore her. She hasn't had her meds yet. If we aren't careful, she'll start ranting about the Government.

**Neal**: What's she got against the King?

**Treanz Alyce**: Not _that_ government! The Canadian Government! But moving on to the real reason. You are _much_ better that Dom, and her favorite color is green, and half the girls who have read PoTS fell in love with you. But she got to you first, thanks in part to a large munitions depot at her disposal, and the fact that she can be _very_ violent when she wants to. Also, most people are smart enough not to argue with a rabid fan girl with green hair holding a very sharp sword, and a Desert Eagle.

**Seadragon**: We need to get some frogs. Definitely. They would really liven this place up. And I know just the place we can get them!

**Treanz Alyce**: Road trip?

**Seadragon**: Road trip.

**Neal**: I really don't like the sound of this.

**Seadragon**: **_ignoring him_** What do you think? Opel Speedster good?

**Treanz Alyce**: Oh, very.

**Seadragon**: **_snaps_**

BLACK OPEL SPEEDSTER appears on the STAGE 

**Treanz Alyce**: Do you have a driver's license?

**Seadragon**: Nope, you?

**Treanz Alyce**: Nah. Not for a few years.

**Seadragon**: **_shrugs_** It can't be that hard! **_grabs Neal, drags him over to the car and gets into the drivers seat_**

**Neal**: What in the name of the Black God _is_ this thing?!****

**Seadragon**: **_ignores him_** Hey, Treanz, this look real? **_holds up a fake driver's license_**

**Treanz Alyce**: If you carry a weapon, sure.

**Seadragon**: Good. Neal, got any weapons on you?

**Neal**: Uh, no. Should I?

**Seadragon**: What kind of knight are you?! **_snaps_**

BIG PILE OF WEAPONS appears on the BACK SEAT 

**Treanz Alyce**: Oo! A Light Sabre, I thought they recalled all these. **_runs and jumps into the passenger seat_**

**Seadragon**: Right, I've got my sword, and my Desert Eagle again, Neal, take that knife, and that sword there. Treanz, take your pick.

**Treanz Alyce**: **_beaming and digging through the pile_** It's like Christmas come early!

**Seadragon**: **_revs engine_** Super Pet here we come!

**Treanz Alyce**: **_waves to readers_** Don't forget to send us the names!

**Seadragon**: **_snaps_**

The BLACK OPEL SPEEDSTER crashes through the STUDIO WALLS and NEAL's SCREAMS can be heard getting quieter and quieter as they drive away into the sunset- er, midday sun…


End file.
